Wrestling with Anxiety: A Rivalry For The Ages. By Nova Nicholls
(Quartz Photography)
Wrestling with Anxiety: A rivalry for the ages.
By Nova Nicholls
I was 14 years old when I had my first panic attack. I remember being on the netball court, and I started to miss a goal or two. My chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe. I felt pressure like I hadn’t felt before; like if I missed another goal, I was nothing but a failure.
Fast forward to when I was 19 turning 20 and I stumbled across professional wrestling. I started training and loved every second of it. Every bump, every match, every second I was training or performing were seconds where I felt untouchable. I thought; “finally, I found the thing in life I’m supposed to do.” Everything was going great, until it wasn’t. That familiar feeling of panic started to linger around during my matches. I’d miss a move or mess up a sequence, and that pit in my stomach and tightness in my chest would come back. It started to get worse, to a point where after every match I’d come backstage and just lose it.
I’d rip apart every aspect of my match. I’d never acknowledge what I did well, only what I did wrong. I started to carry my anxiety with me into everything from matches to just training. I’d have panic attacks just trying to practice moves with other trainees. I’d stop the entire session because I couldn’t control myself. I started to become a dark, angry, shell of a person. Every aspect of my life revolved around wrestling, and not in a good way. I just had the same thought over and over again; I’m not good enough to be here, and I need to be better.
It all came to a head in April of 2022. I was scheduled to be in a triple threat with two other females. I remember having a massive panic attack at training, which then turned into a massive fight with my trainer. I lashed out at him because I couldn’t keep the demons in my head at bay. I let them take full control. After that fight, I had a huge realisation; I can’t do this anymore. I had gained so much weight, I was moving awful and couldn’t get through training, let alone a show without breaking down. I sat down with the owner of my home company and told him I needed to leave. I remember him saying “I don’t think you should, but if that’s what you need to do, go ahead”.
I stopped going to shows altogether for 3 months. I remember my partner coming home and telling me people were asking if I was ever coming back. I was so afraid that I had destroyed my career and reputation by being known as someone who would do nothing but panic and cry all the time, that I couldn’t even bring myself to step foot back into the factory. It took a lot of convincing from my partner, but I decided I needed to do right by my friends and support them on their wrestling journeys. I walked in fully ready for people to roll their eyes and dread seeing me, but the reaction was the opposite; I was embraced with love and support.
A few shows later, I was making progression forwards mentally. I started playing netball and doing gymnastics to fill the void that leaving wrestling had created, but watching my friends from the sidelines reignited the fire that made me do this in the first place. There was a tryout for a new intake of trainees in October, and it was there and then I decided I needed to come back. I approached the owner and he told me I didn’t need to re-try out, but I felt like if I was coming back, it was with a completely fresh start. I remember doing the try out and going up to him and saying “so, am I back in?”
I started to put in the yards at training. Put in the efforts to repair relationships with people I’d previously let my anxiety affect. I righted my wrongs and started to control the anxious feelings that were so prominent before by reminding myself that I didn’t make all this progress forward on my hiatus for me to backtrack. I made my in-ring return after 12 months, and never looked back. I had a great trajectory for 2023 and had my best year of my career in 2024.
My one goal in wrestling was always to win the Breakout Championship at my home company Adrenaline Professional Wrestling, and because I put so much pressure on myself to do it, it broke me physically and mentally. When I came back, I decided to change my goal, and my new goal was to just be a better version of Nova than I had ever been before. Because I had taken that pressure off, I started to perform better.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve had a panic attack I wrestling. Once I realised that I didn’t need to be the best in the business, I just needed to be the best version of myself, it changed my perspective on everything. I started to appreciate the small wins, and acknowledge the losses without ripping them apart. Those steps forward I made led me to winning my first championship; and I’m forever grateful that I made that decision to leave, because it not only saved my wrestling career, but it saved my life.
Professional wresting is a really tough industry full of high and lows. If there’s any advice, I can give to those out there who might be struggling it would be that you’re never alone in feeling this way. There is a huge support system around you, and please do lean on them. If you ever feel like you need a break; take it. Wrestling will always be around, and taking that time really does help with clarity and progression. Winning championships and having big matches is cool, but the best thing I’ve ever achieved in wrestling is being told “I can see the change in you, you look happier.”
Anxiety is something I’ll probably live with for the rest of my life, but I’ve also learnt it is something I can control to an extent. I’ve got a wonderful support system around me, and strategies in place for when I can feel panic trying to creep in. Take the time to support the person you are behind the superstar in the ring, because they can’t exist without you. A huge lesson I’ve learnt from my own experiences it’s be kind to yourself and appreciate who you are. Support those around you who might be struggling, because at the end of the day, the people you share a locker room with have most likely felt that way at some point too.
